One, two, skip a few

I've read some parenting books in my day, and I had good parents.  I know the difference between authoritarian parenting and authoritative parenting, but the truth is, real parenting is the hardest thing in the world.  What matters more at the end of the day than how your kids turn out?  I'm writing today not because I have some great answers for you, but because I have some good stories for you.  Some of these situations are things you do not want to do. Others are things you might want to prepare to do.  These stories are about consequences. There are always consequences in this life and the next.  As a parent I feel it's my duty to provide my children with consequences for bad choices that might help them learn before life becomes the harsher teacher.  The trick is coming up with the best consequence.  It needs to be something that can be repeated often.  Children need a few chances to learn a concept.  The more naturally the consequence follows the choice, the better teacher it will be.  Rewards should be administered randomly so the good behavior won't stop when the rewards stop. "Thank you for making a good choice" can be interjected any time it applies.  Consequences for negative behavior need to be administered consistently and confidently and sometimes courageously.  And did I mention that the perfect delivery is friendly, but firm?  Studies show that if a parent is angry the child remembers the anger, but doesn't remember their behavior.  Now onto real life.

My firstborn and well-loved child was born to the mother with the most perfect plan.  He would be obedient and well-behaved. I would be wise and ever-patient and never find myself in a power struggle.  When he was maybe 1 or 2 he defiantly dumped a bowl of popcorn on the floor.  Anxious to implement my parenting skills, I explained that he would now need to pick up the popcorn  because we couldn't have it all over the floor.  (I'm sure my voice was perfectly friendly but firm.)  He looked at me with his sweet little face and refused.  I didn't have a plan B so I put him in my lap, covered his hand with mine and "we" picked up the popcorn.  It was our first power struggle.  Score 1-0. Or was it?

For minor infractions the consequence is usually "Go upstairs and count to ...(depending on the child.)  The kids love to tell the ways they modified their sentence.  There was the famous, "One, two, skip a few 99, 100."  Counting by 5's and 10's.  One of the more creative modifiers required his younger sibling to write the numbers on a page when he was in charge, "Don't kid a kidder."  There were those that didn't even bother counting, they just started reading a book and came down later, or not.  Last year it was revealed that one child would break a manners rule at the table to get sent away so he could avoid eating food that was unappetizing.

I wanted perfect peace and harmony in my home so in the beginning the consequence for hurting a sibling was service to that sibling.  One conniving, I mean creative, child would set to bugging a more volatile sibling on the provoker's dish night.  It wouldn't take long before he would get punched, and his brother owed him service, "a favor."  Totally worth it.  My husband and I had to make new a game plan.  No longer would the child owe their sibling a favor.  They would serve me.  One child ended up owing me 4 favors and 1/2 day of slavery.  The slavery came from super-defiance.  That wasn't a fun day for any of us.  As I recall, the offending child was so mad about his sentence he broke a shovel slamming it into the ground as he dug up my new flower bed.  Then he had to buy me a new shovel.  The other day I asked, "Do you remember the shovel?"  He smiled.  He remembered the shovel.

Some of my programs seemed so innocuous at the time of establishment.  I wanted the children to learn to put their belongings away after school instead of leaving everything around the front room.  I said, "If I find your stuff I'm putting it in this black bag.  You can either pay 50 cents or do a small job to ransom your belongings.  Who knew the chain of events this would set off?  I gathered a lot of toys that kids would rather lose than pick up.  No one claimed them.  Then I picked up a coat, a child's main coat, actually his only coat.  Of course it was winter.  Why else would his coat be on the floor?  Ransom: 50 cents or vacuum the10 X 12 carpet space in the TV area. Child's response: "I'm not doing that." I chose to keep my promise, and he chose to not pay the ransom.  Do you know how painful that winter was?  I went to pick that kid up at night from the school.  There he'd be in the dark, in the cold, no coat.  I'd see him and feel so sorry for him and then think, "What the heck?  He's an idiot." (Bless his heart and we don't say idiot.) Eventually, I'm talking weeks, he did his measly job and got his stinkin' coat.  Score?  Who even knows?

One Saturday morning I was assigning chores to everyone when a child asked a forbidden and dangerous question, "Mom, what do you do?"  There's only one answer to that question, "You're about to find out."  He  was Mom for the day.  He did laundry, cooked, and cleaned. Anyone with a request or complaint was sent directly to him.  There were a lot of little children at home at the time, so he met a lot of needs.  It was a great day of learning for him and a great day of resting for me.  If any sibling even thinks a similar sentiment he generously warns them, "You do not want to be Mom for the day."

Another part of my ideal picture was that all of my children would play the piano.  I would provide them with piano lessons and they would practice their little hearts out until they could play the hymns for church.  Well, I provided the lessons.  The practicing their little hearts out has been spotty at best.  Overall, I would say the majority of the children could play a hymn if they had enough time to practice, but I admit I modified my expectations.  One sweet boy hadn't practiced his piano even though it had been on his list for several days.  I said, (with possibly more firmness than friendliness) "When you don't practice you are wasting my money.  You can't go to sleep tonight until you practice."  Once again I underestimated the power of the Stoker resolve.  I woke up at 1:00 am and noticed the light still on in the music room.  There sat the child, looking straight ahead, with no intention of practicing.  I was mad.  I began conjuring up all kinds of consequences and then I started thinking and praying and thinking about what course to take.  It occurred to me to communicate my hopes and dreams for him and his talents and let him choose and live the consequences of his choices.  He chose.  He quit.  He has as much music in his life as he wants.  It's not none, but it's not as much as I'd like.  Welcome to motherhood.  We now have our modified policy.  If you start lessons, join a team, band, etc. you have to finish your commitment/season/year.  You can choose whether or not to start, but no quitting in the middle.

Now, if you want some good parenting advice I recommend these books:  "The Parenting Breakthrough" by Merrilee Browne Boyack, "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck,and "Emotional Intelligence"by Daniel Goleman.  If you want some ideas for some consequences, give me a call.

I'm not naming names, but every person in every story is in this picture.

Thank you for this trial.

 1 Thessalonians  8:18 "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." So everything must mean every thing, even my least favorite things-trials.

I've been thinking a lot about this "thankful in your trials" concept.  It's hard.  During a trial, something that is happening different than the way I want it to, my natural response is to cry out, "I'm gonna die!"  I'm trying a new approach:  "Thank you for this trial and the opportunity to..."  and guess what?  I'm slowly learning.  My faith used to focus on trusting in God's love and power, which is good.  I want to keep that but also trust in God's ability to use trial to make me into someone better than I was.  So now my target response isn't just "get me out of this, pronto!"  (well the thought still pushes itself forward from the back of my mind,)  but "What Christlike characteristics can I develop and how is this difficult situation a blessing?"  I guess I'm trying to not just have faith in God
s ability to bless me with good things, but faith in his ability to use trial to bless me as well.

As I reflect on times of trial I realize that one of its greatest benefits is the laser focus on the eternal that happens almost immediately.  My prayers become focused, sincere, pleading and frequent.  I put all aspects of life in order.  My slacking "I'll do that someday" intentions become diligent practices of today.  I immerse myself in the scriptures, searching for counsel and comfort. I reach out to others with a level of compassion that can only come from a heart that has felt pain.  I recommit my life to God the way I always want to, but sometimes neglect to. When I'm facing trials I don't like my life better, but I like myself better. 

 In retrospect some of my greatest discoveries about life and God came when life took a turn for which I would not have asked.  Ten years ago when my young son had surgery to repair his incomplete palate, he woke up from anesthesia very unhappy.  He was in pain, and nauseated and in a strange place.  People kept  coming into the room and couldn't always promise "No stick" with a needle.  I held him and rocked him and tried to comfort him. He cried, "Mom, take me home!"  I would have done anything for that child, but I knew that going home was not the best course for him at that time.  Through my tears I answered,  "No. We need to stay here where the doctors can help you."  That experience has come to define trial for me.  I am not having fun.  I ask God to get me out and make it stop and sometimes he says, "No, leaving this trial would not be the best thing for you."  But he says it with love, and compassion, and complete awareness of my hurting."

Well, this surgery experience extended and stretched me and taught me more.  A week after the original surgery the repair failed and we were in the emergency room facing an emergency repair repair.  The hospital was full so Gabe recovered in a room sometimes used  for storing extra equipment.  We stayed all night in the small room with another child and a mom who liked to sleep with the television on.  Gabe recovered enough to go home only to find ourselves back in the hospital for the 3rd monday in a row as he had spiked a fever.  Gabe was the one suffering, but my mental and spiritual wellness was slipping as my bright picture of the future and , sadly, my hope were fading fast.  Trying to hang onto my tested faith I looked for the positives...looking, looking and then I began to see them.  A message therapy student came by as a volunteer giving free massages.  The mother of the boy in the next bed was very kind.  The cheerful nurse decided that infection and respiratory (Gabe's roommate) patients should not be together so we were given our own room. A resident sat in the hall playing beautiful healing jazz on his alto sax.   As all those lovely gifts were being delivered I read in the Book of Mormon about the people that asked to be free from bondage.  The Lord did not grant them freedom yet, but he did make their burdens light.  I knew God knew our situation and did not remove the trial, but he blessed us in little ways to lighten our burdens and let us feel His love and power and restore my hope.

I've had other sweet experiences born in trying times.  I actually had 2 sons that had to delay their missionary experience because of surgery.  We call this phenomenon the "Mom Training Center" or the "MomTC."  on the second go 'round we were living in West Virginia in a neighborhood that we fondly refer to as the "witness protection program."  We were in the hills, in the forest, on a dirt road surrounded by wild and wonderful (heavy on the wild.) My sweet 19 yr. old son had already spent a funtastic year at college and planned on being on his church mission by then.  Instead he was at home with his Mom.  I tried to show him a big time by taking him shopping and giving him chores. In turn, he tried to not be miserable.  The surgery broke up his monotony a bit, but he was banned from sports...not funny.

 Seven days post-op my son was allowed to do some walking.  He needed a chaperone to keep him from  breaking  into a run and never coming back.  I offered to walk with him around the "block."  Did I mention that there were wild turkeys and bears in the neighborhood?  There was also a horrendous hill.  Previously, I had walked for a while and then turned around and returned along the same route avoiding the challenge available on the last leg of the circle.  Stir-crazy boy wanted to take the long, hard route.  He brought his football just in case.  We took it slow, for the convalescent, of course.  As I started up the incline my heart started to beat at an unhealthy rate and I couldn't breathe.  I suggested a little rest.  He reassured me, "You can do it mom."  He moved ahead of me and tossed me the football.  I tossed it back.  He jogged a little ahead, I yelled at him for running, and he threw the football to me again.  He joked a bit and pushed my buttons and tossed the football until I made it up the hill, alive and proud of both of us. And then he got better and went on a mission, and came back a beautiful man of God and then went back to his marvelous life at college. No one would have chosen that situation at that time, but I have a fond memory of love and encouragement and a pretty great season with my child. Thanks, good son, and thanks to God for the beautiful time of trial.

Boost your child's academic achievement and psychological adjustment in one easy step!

Who isn't interested in academically successful and psychologically adjusted children? In Dallin H. Oaks' talk, "Good, Better, Best" he quoted Anderson and Doherty, Family Relations, 54:655, "Eating meals at home is the strongest predictor of children's academic achievement and psychological adjustment." Nancy Gibbs, "The Magic of a Family Meal," Time, June 12,2006 wrote, "Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children's smoking, drinking, or using drugs." Alrighty then, I'm in.

Knowing that eating dinner together is the common denominator of successful families makes it an easy sell. The fact that cooking isn't that fun to me makes it a challenging reality. But I'm all about happy kids so I'll do what it takes to give them the best chance.

I'm going to give you some food ideas, not delicious, natural, gourmet, pinterest worthy food ideas. I'm giving you, "My 1 year old lives on vapor," "Is a hot dog a day too many for my child?," "Is it too soon to serve spaghetti again? It's almost been a week." food ideas.

Lets start with my food standards:
1. We need to eat together, sitting down, with plates and utensils for dinner for sure, lunch possibly, breakfast not likely.
2. There needs to be a fruit and vegetable at lunch and dinner.
3. All meals must contain protein.
4. Sugar drinks are served with meals only on holidays (that may include weekends.)
5. No desserts until noon (Frosted Mini Wheats and Honey nut Cheerios don't count.)

Baby foods-My goal is to breastfeed until they're 1 and then wean to a cup. This has worked for me. My last baby couldn't breastfeed because of a cleft palate and so I had to eat some words about toddlers walking around the house with a bottle. I was afraid to take it away from him because he didn't really eat much. When I finally did, he got hungry and branched out in the food department just like "Parents magazine" said he would.

The hard part was at 6 months when I was supposed to introduce solid foods. I parented in the days when Gerber baby foods were cool. I fed them rice cereal and applesauce and bananas and peaches because they were delicious. I made the baby choke down sweet potatoes and carrots, but no-can-do anything green. Those foods were nasty. I like how they have little grinders now so moms can mash up real vegetables. I've read that avacados are the "It" food for babies. I remember a lot of spitting food out, rubbing it in the hair and throwing it off the tray. It seemed like not much was getting inside the body. I used to place little food bits strategically around the kitchen on the foot rest of the high chair or in a little bowl on the floor to try to encourage the one-year-old to eat. I'm not presenting this as good parenting, I'm just sharing the desperate measures taken to solve the "children need food" problem.

I'm proud of the moms who are confidently feeding their children exciting, healthy foods. I sat by a mother on the airplane who handed her 4-year-old daughter carrot chips and hummus for her snack. That was so impressive. One of my daughter-in-laws encourages her son to try things he didn't like last time "Just in case your taste buds changed." It totally works. My other daughter-in-law has charts of stickers for children who have eaten healthy foods they may not care for.

I was a bit of a food coward. My meal rotation for young children was spaghetti, tacos, baked chicken, casserole, roast and mashed potatoes, pizza, and hot dogs and macaroni and cheese on Friday- date night, always with a vegetable and a fruit.I have tried to serve more interesting meals as the children have grown older and I'm not as crazy. There were many nights when I would start dinner only to have to stop and nurse the baby. When my husband walked in I would ask him to finish browning the meat, or make the salad...He was kind to acquiesce but probably wondered if he had to bring home the bacon and cook it too.

What I'm trying to say is food is hard, but very important. Many people are serving delicious and various foods at their family dinner. At the Stoker house the food is delicious once in a while and we could definitely have more variety, but it's there, on the table, almost every night. So here are my tips:

1. If you know me, you've heard this, but it's my best tip. Bake a lot of chicken at once. Chop it and separate it into zip-lock bags and store it in the freezer. Chicken enchiladas, chicken pasta, chicken soup, chicken pizza aren't as scary that way.

2. Recognize dinner prep time as one of the witching hours (bedtime is the other.) Don't work in the kitchen hungry. Feed yourself a healthy snack so your family doesn't anger you.

3. I am not a big meal planner, but those who are are happier. Another daughter-in-law puts her meal planning for the month on a google doc that includes a link to the recipe for the day. I want to be like her when I grow up. At least I write what I was thinking when I was grocery shopping on a slip of paper on the fridge.

4. Try new recipes. It adds pizazz. It also changes the experience from obligation to creation.

5. Salad, big ones.

6. My 2 tips for getting littles to eat vegetables is serve the peas frozen and buy carrot chips.

7. I have some attitudes, so I try to warn my family of potential danger zones. Since I don't love cooking that much I expect my sacrifice to be appreciated i.e. a.You'd better come when I call for dinner. This meal is a big deal. b.If you express displeasure with the food, you can cook tomorrow. This is real. It happens. c. The only comment that is acceptable is "Thank you for the delicious dinner." The exception to this is if I'm trying something new and I want to know if it should go into the rotation of 7 or 8 meals that I know by heart. Then I will ask if you like this food. If I don't ask, I don't want to know. d. If you didn't help prepare dinner don't come "snitching". Wait to eat until dinner is served. e. You cannot ask "When's dinner?" You can only ask "What can I do to help?"

8. Don't have an attitude

9. The most important thing is, of course, enjoy the people at the table. They are your greatest gift and it's a privilege to serve them.  The food doesn't matter as much as the talk.  Make it joyful.

Here are a couple of recipes that have been in the rotation that are, actually, delicious.

BETTER MEATLOAF

1 lb. ground sausage
1/2 lb. ground beef
1 egg
1/2 c. Italian bread crumbs
1/4 c. Parmesan cheese

Barbecue sauce and brown sugar

Blend first 5 ingredients and place in loaf pan. Top with sauce. Cover with foil. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Remove foil and drain grease. Return to oven for 10-15 more minutes.

SMOKY BACON CHICKEN

3 oz. pepper Jack cheese shredded
3 green onions, finely chopped
1/4 c. cooked bacon pieces
1/4 c. light olive oil mayonnaise (or regular)
1 tsp. chipotle or chile sauce

6 chicken tenderloin

Combine sauce ingredients and spread on chicken. Bake however long you need to at 350 degrees.

Vegetable Barley Soup

Combine in soup pan:

6 cans nonfat chicken broth (15 oz. cans)

2 cans petite diced tomatoes, with juice

1 onion, chopped

4 medium carrots, sliced

3 stalks celery, sliced

4 bay leaves

1 t. garlic powder

2 t. white sugar

½ t pepper

1 t paprika

1 t Worcestershire sauce

Simmer for about 40 minutes.  Add: ¾ c. quick cooking barley

Simmer for 10 minutes.  Remove bay leaves. You can add meat.

*Note, if barley is used that requires a longer cooking time, add it to the soup at the appropriate time so it will be fully cooked at the end of the cooking time.  Makes about  12 cups.

(Thanks Ann West)