Upon receiving a request to blog about teenagers I began gathering and sorting my thoughts on the topic. I realize that it's ironic that I hadn't written much about raising adolescents, because my friends and I have been commiserating and reassuring and analyzing and truthseeking and counseling each other on this very topic for years. It might be that I'm still reeling a bit, and am not quite out of the woods in this department. But that's an even better reason to share.
I've always loved being with teens. They're funny and beautiful and energetic, and the way they focus on things that don't matter can be relaxing in juxtaposition to the way I obsess about consequences and the gravity of the situation. Girls sitting around my table talking about "One Direction" helps me take my mind off my budget. Being a mother to teenagers could be a match made in heaven, well, it actually is, but it can look and sound a little rough. So, I have considered and identified a couple of disconnects that might challenge a parent/teen relationship:
1.The parent (me) is really afraid that they'll make a mistake, but my teenagers really want me to let them make mistakes. I've always been a subscriber to the doctrine, "A very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm." Doctrine and Covenants 123:16. That being said, I know that this also means it doesn't take a very big turn to head in an unfortunate direction. So if my child forgets to do an assignment in school I respond with something calm like, "And then you'll get a bad grade and get kicked out of school and never go to college!" More than likely the reality is that they will not like the feeling of a low grade on an assignment and adjust and get better grades next time. My teenager's room is messy? I respond, "And you'll live in slovenly filth the rest of your life and never get married." I stand as a witness that this has proven to be false. My children have gotten married in spite of their messy rooms. If my teenager breaks a rule, I worry that they'll go to jail. If they buy a slurpee 2 times in a week, I worry that they'll never be financially solvent. I can see why they disregard my fears. I may overreact a bit, but it remains true that people make bad choices and end up in sad places and if that is my child my heart will break and I really, really don't want that to happen. But do you know what? If my child makes bad choices and ends up in sad places they can repent and change and call upon the atoning power of Jesus Christ and be healed just like I did when I made bad choices. So, no worries, right?
2. I aspire to peace. They aspire to excitement. I remember trying to explain to my adolescent son why I never had the radio on in the car. " I'm just enjoying the quiet." He thought that was a boring shame that I was squandering a great opportunity to jam. He didn't know how much noise was in my brain with all the "Mom, mom, moms" I'd heard that day and my own "What if?" anxieties that were deafeningly loud. It's fun to see the "YOLO" attitude that takes kids to exciting places, (As long as they don't die physically or spiritually on the way.) I used to approach life like that, but now I'm old and I've done a lot of things. I've rung in the New Year 54 times. I don't really need to stay up past midnight on New Year's Eve, or any other eve for that matter. So my trying to keep life safe and their trying to keep life rockin' might not be smooth sailing all the time.
3. I believe in the future. They believe in the present. I remember when I was a teenager and I learned about the dangers of tanning. My logic was something sound like, "Well, if I don't get cancer till I'm old, like say, 30, it's totally worth it. As long as I can look good when it matters. (16-21). Teenagers don't really believe there's life after 21, and if there is, it's irrelevant. So I find myself talking about the future a lot. "Do your future self a favor...study, make healthy choices, work hard, organize your life..." It's possible that at times their response has been something like, "How will that help me have a fun weekend, will I be more popular?"
4. I'd also like to say a little something about hormones. Do you know the Twightlight Books? (I read 'em and loved 'em.) The good vampires resist the temptation to drink human blood, they drink animal blood instead. (Stay with me, this is a valid analogy.) Anyway when the people first become vampires is difficult to control their natural instincts, but with practice they get good at it. That's kind of like hormones. When they first start to drip in your sweet little child it isn't always very attractive, but with preparation and practice and understanding of sound eternal principles and God's laws of morality, adolescents can grow into loving, moral humans.
Try to remember this: holiness is better than innocence. If your teenager rolls their eyes at you and says "Whatever", or yells something ugly as they stomp off and tears fall as you remember their sweet little baby arms wrapped around your neck when you were their world, remember that this life is about agency. Although they were innocent and beautiful as little children, it's through choosing good over evil that they become holy and even more beautiful. We can't choose God for them. They have to choose to follow him themselves. You've been having family prayers and scripture study and family home evening, right? You've loved them and done your best, right? You're giving them opportunities to work and serve others, right? You pray for them daily, right? You love God and tru to live a good life, right? You spend time having fun with your kids, not just bossing them around, right? (Okay. We'll work on that.) Then have faith in them. Most likely they'll adjust the helm and right their ship and go sailing home.
